also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
