I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
