At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
