I want to have your abortion
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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