If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i've created a new STD.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
