Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
