Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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