My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
