Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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