I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
