the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
