I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
