just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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