It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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