Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
