I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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