I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
