Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Randomize
