so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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