it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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