Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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