Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
