Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And then my night got REAL pukey
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize