My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize