My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
