I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
