I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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