you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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