The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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