I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This house was built for laser tag.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
