a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
