I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
