people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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