I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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