God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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