I saw his package. It spoke to me.
zippers are such a cool invention
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
