I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
