dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
