She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
