So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
