I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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