Screwed.edu
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
