we made out on top of his cat.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
