Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
