the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
True strength comes from lack of pants
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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