i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
