mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
