And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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