so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Pooping to opera.
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