My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
