I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
