How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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