she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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