I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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