If that was your dad, he is hot
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
