There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
