Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
