I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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