I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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