oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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