I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
