guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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