As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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