I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
