apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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