Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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