Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
