I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
dude. I can hear the air.
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