she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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