so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I didn't notice because vodka
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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