The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
50% drunk capacity currently
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize