you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
