new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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